I went to the doctor this morning and he told me I had the flu.  I hate being sick.  I’ve been coughing up these yellow chunks the past few days.  Okay, I know that last part was gross, but this is my blog.  Nobody is forcing you to read this.  So if you don’t like it, I suggest you click on to somewhere else now.  I really just wish my fever would break, that’s the worst part about it.  Ever since I went to Russia, whenever I get sick, I have this dream about the mob there selling human flesh. A gypsy told me that after the Iron Curtain fell, people there were starving.  To appease the need for food, the Russian mob sold human flesh on the black market.

Anyway, in the dream I’m at the Cathedral of Spilt Blood and starving.  A guy in a black car pulls up and offers me something that looks like beef jerky.  Somehow I know it’s human, but I take it anyway, paying him over a hundred dollars for these three small strips.  The scary thing is that I like it, the human meat, and spend the rest of the time searching for the black car to get more.

I never really wondered what actual people taste like, until I started having this dream over and over again this past week.  I thought it was weird that in my dream humans tasted like steak, since I assumed they probably tasted more like chicken, since everything seems to taste like chicken.  I figured my steak assumption came from growing up in Texas, where everything good here tastes similar to steak.  I wonder if it wasn’t some sort of ancestral intuition, because when I looked up cannibalism earlier, I learned that people do indeed taste like beef, only sweeter.  There’s actually a product out called Hufu.  It’s a tofu flavored to taste like human meat.  On the site there are a series of recipes, two of which I found particularly disturbing.  There’s a Russian recipe on there for Leningradski Pirozhki’s Hufu (potato dumplings stuffed with hufu), and another for Hufu Stroganoff.  The fact that two out of the five recipes listed on the page are for Russians makes me wonder if many during this time developed a taste for human flesh.

So I decided to do a little more research into modern cannibalism, and my earlier assumptions appear to be true.  I doubt it’s a coincidence that pelmeny, a Russian Ravioli, was a Yeltsin family favorite; it was also a dish often made in 1996 using a human filling.  A number of men were prosecuted in Siberia, after a series of human heads were found then in the coal-mining town of Kemerovo and linked to the meat discounted at the markets. 

The cannibals of the modern world then are the Russians and the Congolese.  Funny how it’s the coldest livable environment, as well as the hottest one that contains today’s cannibals.  While Russians eat each other, the Congo Rebels eat their neighbors, the forest dwelling pygmies.  Apparently some idiot official decided that by eating the sexual organs of the pygmies, this would give them strength to topple their political opposition.  So far that hasn’t worked. 

Most of the pygmies being eaten belong to a tribe called the Mayi-Mayi in Eastern Congo.  Under the colonial influence, they’d moved away from cannibalism.  But thanks to the government’s inability to control the Congo’s Rebels, and their modern taste for pygmy flesh, many of the Mayi-Mayi have reverted back to their old ways.   There have been reports of their feasting on the remains of colleagues, in addition to the stray soldiers they capture.

Okay, I’m sure I’ve bored you enough with my stupid dream, but I thought the cannibal stuff was pretty interesting.  It provides yet another reason to be wary of the Russians, and to show more respect for the little people in this world.  I hope the pygmies catch and eat lots of those Congolese rebels.  The government should pay them a bounty.  Ten dollars a head to be their hired soldiers.  Anyway, I guess I should go try to rest a little.  I’m sure I’ll probably fall back into my same dream about Russia, and eating people.  At least they taste good.